The Characters

Like any other story, this one has several characters. Some are more important than others.

Main Characters

Fat Bald Idiot

Is he the protagonist or antagonist? It depends on one’s point of view.

What is he like? Fat-bald-idiot is a redneck from a backwater town that now lives in the big city. He has one speaking volume: LOUD! He refers to his spouse as “The Wife“. While some might find that charming and folksy, I’m not one of them. It’s shocking that a human female chose to cohabitate with this noisy fluid sack. It’s not too late “The Wife”! You can do better! I haven’t seen or met you, but I have met him, so I know you can do better. You couldn’t possibly do worse.

Since I don’t work with Idiot I don’t know what the quality of his work is like. My guess is that it probably rates somewhere between “sub-par” and “moist dog shit”, but who knows. He hasn’t been fired yet, so he might be doing something useful. I can’t imagine what it might be.

I imagine that Idiot could be the love child of Sloth and the Earl of Lemongrab.

 

 

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Brown-Nosed Hyena

This is Idiot’s Number 2 and also a total kiss-ass. He laughs at every one of Idiot’s stupid jokes. When he laughs he sounds like a hyena. Also a redneck. Also unable to shut the fuck up and just work.

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Minor Characters

Boss-Lady

This is Idiot’s boss. She is hardworking and likable. She is so busy that she doesn’t see what an tool her employee is or how much time he wastes blabbing on about total bullshit. Maybe Idiot is actually some kind of idiot savant and boss-lady is just happy that work is getting done, despite his other personality attributes. I am simply amazed that Boss-Lady is able to keep her department running smoothly with the group of asshats she has working for her.

Thick-Cunt

This is Idiot’s direct manager. He also works for Boss-Lady. I didn’t really notice Thick-Cunt until Idiot and his lackeys started talking about him behind his back. Why name him “Thick-Cunt”? Mostly it’s a twist on his real name that’s only funny to me – sorry! But if half the stuff Idiot and his buddies say about this guy is true, then he must be rather “thick” (as in “mentally slow; stupid; dull”). Also, he sits really close to Idiot, yet never once has said anything remotely managerial about the wildly inappropriate things Idiot says in the office. Fucking thick cunt… See! It works! 🙂  Thick-Cunt is a short, white, European guy with an accent. He carries a pink lunch bag and giggles like a girl when anyone says something funny.

The White Boy Lackeys

Idiot has a small group of white boys that often like to stop working and join in on whatever stupid thing he is currently spewing from his word-hole. They appear to share his lack of work ethic but aren’t obnoxious (or interesting) enough to disrupt and distract like their rotund ringleader.

Rat-Boy

Rat-boy shaves and gets a haircut about once every two months, and then he looks like a boy for about two days. The rest of the time he looks like a rat-boy, thus the name. His voice cracks like a pubescent teenager when he gets angry or excited. He mostly keeps to himself and quietly nibbles on cheese.

Taint

Taint is located right between Idiot (the dick) and Hyena (the asshole). He is entirely uninteresting, and would have no reason to exist without Idiot and Hyena, so the name seems appropriate. It is difficult to put into words just how boring Taint really is. If I compared him to food, I would say he is slightly more interesting than white bread, but less interesting than Melba Toast. He is a bit short and a bit overweight. His wardrobe looks like it came from the men’s department at Sears. I have never heard him question Idiot on a single stupid thing that he has said, and therefore I cannot respect Taint in the slightest.

Beard-o

Hipster wannabe with a bushy beard. Usually sits off in a corner and gets ignored. Immediately stops working whenever Idiot starts into his latest rant. Secretly longs to be a Main Character, but never will be unless Hyena dies unexpectedly and leaves an opening.

other assorted lackeys

The rest are not noteworthy enough for their own section. When Idiot emits face-noise, the others stop working and listen. When Idiot is quiet, they go back to working and the rest of the office goes back to a normal decibel level.

The Others

These are the other members of Idiot’s team who don’t seem to give a tiny rat’s ass about any of the bullshit that spouts from fat-bald-idiot’s fat stupid mouth. Most of the other team members moved here from far away places to work for the company. They quietly do their work without disturbing those who are nearby. I suspect that Idiot’s team would fall apart without these people. Unfortunately, quiet, hardworking, intelligent people don’t give me anything interesting to add to blog posts. Minor Characters all.